I hab a code [snuffle, snuffle]

Around noon yesterday, I had a slightly sore throat (on one side) and minor stuffiness. I was torn. Part of me was hoping it was just an allergy (I get fall ones). Part of me was scared silly that this was a PMS symptom I sometimes get the day before AF shows herself (I would had freaked - getting AF less than a week before my U/S lining check would bench me this cycle). And part of me was a bit happy that it means my immunity has dropped a bit.

What you say? Huh? Reread it all you want, but it still says the same thing. I have a fairly strong immune system and an even stronger autoimmune system. My body is good at finding and killing anything it considers a thread (including developing embryos). One of the goals behind prednisone is to slightly lower my immune system and maybe keep the embryos safe. I'd say the lower immune system part is working. But now I'm at a quandary. I have a cold. Do I take immune boosters like echinecea or co.ld fx or extra vitamin c? Do I really want to boost the system I'm trying to compromise? And if so, how much? Will it be long enough for the prednisone to still have an effect? I really don't want a cold (ear or throat related) when I fly next week. Sigh.

The cold is really bad timing. It means I need to stay away from all my friends running half and full marathons this week or next (good luck all!) I really don't want to be the one who passed the virus onto them (of course, I'm quite sure I caught it from one of them as they are who I spent most of my weekend time socializing with). I also have the list of things to do before travel and all I want to do is sit in a hot tub, inhaling eucalyptus. I can't really take time off or work now either since I'm planning 2 weeks away. But if it's any worse tomorrow, I'll seriously consider working from home.

Time to go, have to find some more tissues.

Organized (or not)

I'm starting to get a tiny bit organized. I've bought most of what I wanted and now just need to sort the clothes out that I want to pack and make sure they are all clean.
Today I picked up the one thing I really wanted to bring - socks with those little grippy things on the bottom. At the CZ clinic, they like you to spend at least an hour after transfer with NO movement. So the transfer takes place in the recovery bed. They angle the foot of it into an inverted V, then have you scoot your butt to the end, with your feet perched there. No stirrups. After the transfer, they move you back a bit and wheel the bed into recovery for an hour.
Last time, my leg started to shake and I had to grab my socks to hold on. I dont think it would be a 'good' tranfer if I kicked the doctor in the head. Of course, last time, he had a hard time finding my cervix and I had to move to the big gyno bed-thingy. It seemed awkward, but it kept my legs still. But then I had to move beds after. I'm hoping not to move this time and of course, I'm hoping not to boot the doctor.
I also got some more of those bags that you roll your stuff up in to take up less space in the luggage. Oh, and while I was in the sock area, I picked up some of those socks that help when travelling.
One week, I leave in one week.
I'm trying to stay very positive. I wouldnt be doing this if I didnt think I could get pregnant. At the same time I need to not build it up so much because if I get another BFN, it will be even harder. How do I balance 'positive thinking' with realistic expectations??

To Do Lists

I'm -19db 5dt or in English - I'm 19 days before my 5 day transfer.

It's also 12 days until my flight to CZ. I'm not packed. This isn't too bad since lots of things can't be packed yet because I still need them before the trip. But I haven't even finished my packing list! Truth be told, I didn't fully unpack after my last attempt. At first it was because I couldn't lift much in the 2ww, then it was more the depression of the BFN and facing the suitcase meant facing that. I'm not even sure what is in my suitcase and carry on right now. I had a small panic moment a couple of weeks ago and verified that I did know where my passport (and I was right, it expires next year).

I have some shopping to do before I go. Nothing big but a couple of things here and there. I did manage to pick up some gloves today. I'm sure I have some packed away at home somewhere, but it will be a while before I need them here and it's one less thing to worry about now.

K, my dog and cat sitter, will need to put up with the more-than-usual-clutter. I had high hopes of going through clothes, papers, books and even organizing my kitchen cupboards before I went. Didn't happen. Won't happen. My normally boring social calendar was blocked full this month (I'm actually hoping for rain this weekend to get one or two things postponed).

One thing that I can't forget to do before I go or put off until I come back is to vote. Yes, dear readers, we in Canada are also having an election this fall. The official poll day is Oct 14, the day after my transfer. I plan to vote in one of the early polls before I leave. But I still have no idea who I'll be voting for.

For me, personally, who I vote for has always been a combination of how I feel about the specific candidate's ability to represent me (and my neighbors) and how I feel about the party s/he represents. In many things, the candidate will vote as s/he feels appropriate, for controversial things, they are required to vote along party lines, so both need to be taken into account. It's because of this that I don't think any candidate, after being elected can chose to change parties without a by-election. Party changing like that is not part of democracy as it doesn't represent the voters.

Not voting isn't an option. I'm appalled at the low voter turnout. I think the last federal election over 30% of eligible voters didn't vote. What the heck?!? I suspect that many of that 30% were the first to complain when Parliament did something they didn't like. I think if you don't vote, you can't complain. I also don't agree with people who don't vote for the person they want because they feel 'it will be throwing their vote away'. No vote, when made honestly is a throw away. Anyone who wins in a riding had better be aware that if they don't win more than 50% of the vote that they had better pay attention to why if they want to stay around. Plus, I think outcomes of elections could be very different if every single eligible voter voted honestly.

And speaking of honesty. Can I send a message out the leaders???? Please stop negative campaigning. Please stop fear mongering. Don't tell me how terrible life will be under the leadership of someone else. Explain to me how you will make it good. If you cannot stand on your own as a good leader without slamming someone else then why would anyone want to follow you???

All this to say I have one more thing to do before leaving for my DE trip. I need to learn more about the candidates (I know the party platforms) and I need to vote. I also urge all of you out there in reader land to vote.

Popping Pills

Tomorrow I add the next round of medications to my protocol. It's a milestone kind of thing in the cycle for many reasons. Most notable, it counts as the first of the cycle and if, scratch that, when, I get pregnant, it will be the official first day of the pregnancy.

I'm only adding 3 new things to what I'm doing now. Most of the existing are vitamin supplements with a couple of prescriptions. Here's a picture of what I take as of tomorrow and when and why. (new stuff in italics)

Morning
Synthroid 0.1mg -Hashimotos - need to get/keep my TSH between 1-2 - I might not have had enough time to do it this cycle - this is 4x the dose my last cycle
Adalat 20mg - borderline high BP
low dose aspirin 81mg - stops clotting issues that can sometimes come with endo
Estradiol Valerate 2mg - builds lining
Prednisone 5mg - relates to a couple of autoimmune issues and endo - last cycle this was started on day of transfer

Lunch
Estradiol Valerate 2mg
Prenatal Vitamin (any vitamins have to be taken a least 4 hours after synthroid)
Cranberry - passed a kidneys stone recently - avoiding a UTI
Folic 3mg - this is in addition to the 1mg in the prenatal - recent studies show this is a better value for TTC with 'issues'
B complex (no b12)- reasons as per above
B12 1200mcg - I've been short on B12 back when I still ate meat- had a Shillings test, absorption not an issues, I just need higher doses and from non-animal sources
Tumeric - anti-inflammatory - i need to verify its okay when pregnant
Garlic - anti-inflammatory and good for heart health - also need to check on this one for pregnancy

Dinner
Estradiol Valerate 2mg
Tumeric
Garlic
Cranberry

I need to pick up some more calcium. I don't know how it slipped my mind that prednisone drains calcium.

So that's my mix for the next couple of weeks. In 2 weeks on ER day, I add progesterone. It will all be worth it to hold a baby in 9 months.

The path least travelled

I've been reading a great book lately called "knock yourself up" (check out reviews on Amazon and Chapters sites). Those who know me and live nearby are welcome to borrow it once I'm done.

Anyway, onto the book and why it’s relevant here. I'm more than halfway through now and its a very interesting read. The author interviewed many different women of all different ages, races, sexual orientations and backgrounds who are or are trying to become "Single Mothers by Choice" (SMbC). She drew out comments, thoughts, feelings and facts on many different subjects about the decision and the process. While reading what I have so far, its had me thinking about where I was/am in the process and how I got to where I am now. I've discussed parts of this with friends and family, but I'm not sure anyone has the complete picture.

So how did I decide to become a SMbC? It wasn't an overnight decision, it was definitely a journey. I've always known that I've wanted to have children. I've always wanted to be a mother, to give birth. When I was a teenager, I know that on more than one occasion, I considered taking the "easy path" to do this and have unprotected sex and hope for the best. I might have even done this if I hadn’t considered the ummmm, method so, ummm, unappealing. So that didn’t happen. That’s mostly a good thing.

Fast forward a bit until after University. I kept up the eternal quest to meet the right person, settle down and start a family. But how do you bring up the subject of children on the first date without the other person running screaming? How long do you date before you start to try to have children? I had dry spells in dating. I dated some people who expressed a desire to have kids ‘someday’ and some who never wanted children but those relationships didn’t work out (not for the kid reason, but it was always there in the background). For a while, I dated someone with a young child from an earlier marriage. It wasn’t the right relationship. I wanted to be a mom, not a step or third parent. But the little girl already had two parents and I was not even given status as a baby sitter. In the end, I was wanted only for my ability to provide financially and we parted ways. I will admit to a couple of one night (week) stands where getting pregnant wasn’t the goal at all, but that when it came time for my next period, I found myself hoping it was late.

Like many other women in my situation. I also looked to co-parenting. The first approach in this area ended when we discovered that both of us wanted to be the custodial parent. He and his partner found what they wanted in a surrogate and their daughter is now 10.

The next approach was with another very good friend. He didn’t want to be a custodial parent but he was adamant about being present and active in the child’s life. He wanted to be able to see him/her during the week, be the default ‘babysitter’, watch school plays etc. This suited both of us perfectly. I was also planning my move out west at this time. He was all over that and wanted to come this way too. I moved first. Then a close family member of his got sick and instead of moving west, he had to move further east. He is close to his family, I respect that. But of course that meant that he couldn’t be a present ‘dad’ and he couldn’t wrap himself around that. Plus, he’s African American (or Canadian) and we were both aware of the challenges of raising someone of a mix race without direct support of a parent of each race. I still think we’d have made very beautiful babies together.

For a while I was with a partner who wasn’t scared of the idea of having a child together. In fact, it went as far as an offer to be a stay at home and raise the child when mat leave was over and I went back to work (my income was about 4*s higher). But this was another person with close family ties who ended up moving back east to take care of a sibling having a hard time.

The rest of this tale is the part of the story of how I ended up going out of the country using anonymous donor egg and donor sperm. But that’s a tale for another time.

So, bottom line, I have no regrets at all about trying to become a single mother. My only regret is not taking more direct steps sooner. There are some things I can no longer control and many of the paths to motherhood are either more difficult or totally impossible for me now. My desire to have a child never wavered from the time I was 2, but I am a bit older and while some would say wiser, I would also say jaded.

Would I want to know?

Some part of me wishes I could look into a crystal ball or some other way into the future to know if this cycle will work or not. But another part of me doesn't want to. If the crystal ball said I would have a BFN with this cycle, would I still go through with it? Is having the possibility of hope worth it? Would it be more or less painful to know now that failure is immenent than wait for it to happen?
Around 20 years ago, I went to a palm reader. She did a 'scientific' method and took one hand as your destiny at birth and the other as how it has changed. According to her, I was originally supposed to have 2 children but now I'm going to have none. A psychic about 10 years ago (I seem to only do this kind of thing every decade) told me that I would never have 'my own' children. She mentioned that there would be a child or children in my life but mentioned concepts like adoption or step-children. I wonder if DE would qualify? Since to me an adopted child would be 'my own' its clear I don't think within the same limited boundries of 'own children' as her. And still, how much credit should I put to a psychic or palm reader? Do I really beleive they are gifted or guessers? Is it really just for entertainment purposes?

Thoughts? Ideas? Anyone else been to psychic? Should I go again for an update (its been just over 10 years)?

First Blog

Welcome to my blog. I think this is a better/easier way for me to communicate updates on my TTC journey, DE#2. Plus, I've become an avid blog reader and want to add something back to the blogging community.

Not much to report. Nothing much will happen now until I start assorted medications on the 24th. That is the day when I'm officially starting to build my lining, making a safe and comfy home for the embryos to settle into. As of that day, I'll have cut any major source of caffeine out of my diet. Also gone will be anything else that is counter-indicated during pregnancy. So no more zip treking, rapelling off buildings, beer, etc. Oh well. It is well worth it if it helps me get pregnant and carry to term.