What's in it for Me?

This is Corwyn’s underlying motivational drive. It’s not the same as Nathan’s. It’s not better or worse, just different. The light went on for me about this during potty training and so much more made sense.

While in the normal range, Corwyn typically reached milestones towards the end of the scale of normal. Did I worry? Hell yes! I’m a mother, I have to worry. I will never stop worrying. But usually, after I’ve spend countless hours talking with other moms, staying up late reading every resource on the subject, he’ll do something the day before I plan to call the doctor to ask for an assessment. Seriously. Luckily it’s before I’ve made a fool of myself looking like a paranoid parent. For that I’m grateful.

Corwyn didn’t crawl until around 10 or 11 months. He wasn’t sedentary, but he didn’t crawl (kid would spend forever in an exersaucer bouncing up and down too). I know now that it wasn’t because he couldn’t but that he didn’t really see a need for it. He could get where he wanted to go with the roll and spin method (eventually and with a few detours). He got his needs met and why bother crawling. But when he started missing out on things he wanted because his brother was getting there faster crawling, suddenly he crawled, all the time, everywhere.

Fast forward a few months to walking. If you read Nathan’s post on motivation you’ll know that he tried and tried and tried until he did it. Not Corwyn. He loved to pull himself up (it got him access to new places and new messes to get into). He enjoyed holding your hands while you held him up for steps, but he made no effort to try walking on his own or even did much cruising along furniture. Then Nathan walked, which in of itself not motivating but suddenly again, Nathan could get somewhere faster and easier than he could. And Corwyn took his first steps a week after Nathan. And here I have to point out that he really just started walking. It wasn’t try and fall and try again, it was more, “what the heck, I’m already standing, leaning against mommy and I want to get what is on that table so I’ll just walk over to it. “ Seriously. I almost missed it, he was so nonchalant about it.  (And I’m going to interrupt the post on motivation to say I love his walk. It’s more of a swagger. It’s less pronounced now, but it’s still there. So cute. )

His verbal skills fits the same pattern. He was always using just simple one syllable sounds. He didn't pick up  many signs either. I worried. I researched, but he clearly had a grasp on what he was told and could follow complex instructions. Then one night before bed, he asked for 'wa'. Going on a hunch, I asked if he meant water and he repeated 'wa'. I told him I'd get if he said 'water'. He said 'wa' and pointed at the cup. I told him say 'water'. After a couple of back and forths he spit out, rather perfectly 'water' and happily took it from me. Hah! After that I was more conscious of when I thought he could say something but chose not to because he didn't have to. What it came down to was that he made his needs known or had them met without the need for spoken or sign language so why bother. Once I showed him that it made a difference, that results were faster, more accurate or even forthcoming if he even tried, he started speaking more. He's still not leaps and bounds ahead, but it's come along so fast that I'm not longer worried about his speech (okay, I'm still worried, just not paranoid about it).

Potty training ended up being the same thing. For Corwyn, it was why bother? There was nothing in it for him, I changed him, he got to go about his day, what’s the big deal. Then came the stickers. Suddenly he had a reason and low and behold, he was ready. Corwyn is now really good about using a toilet or potty. He will let me know even if he’s in the middle of hard core play at a playground or gym. Sometimes I can catch him holding himself and have to ask, but mostly he initiates it. The sticker motivation is forgotten. It’s now become routine the need to motivate is gone.

Some people think this type of motivation is selfish. It can be, but I think there is more to it than that. Being independent is something that ‘is in it for me’. Pride in a job well done can be that same motivation. It just needs to be nurtured in that direction. That’s what I’m working on. I don’t want to have to resort to physical rewards like stickers that much. Once in a while, for fun, sure, but not anytime I want him to do something new. So the ball is in my court as to how to nurture this need to personal return into a drive that will keep him going forward all his life. Those with this drive often turn out to the best negotiators, they can go very far in the business world.

Two kids. Same genes. Same exposure to people, books, food, TV etc at almost the exact time. Two different motivational drivers. Is it any wonder that there is no one parenting style/approach/book that can help everyone? 

I did it!

This phrase is Nathan's motivation.

I asked earlier about motivation but it appears my question or the rewards for it (none) were motivating to many.It was more to put into your brain the concept of motivation.  Everyone is motivated in different ways, my kids are no exception. This post is about Nathan and what motivates him (or not).

Nathan loves to figure things out. He sees something, anything and wants to do it, master it, even if it's only once. He's always been like that since he first realized he could move his own body parts on command.

He is the type who tries and tries and tries again when he wants to accomplish something. Sure he fails and damn straight he can get frustrated and angry, but he usually keeps trying.

Once he rolled over for the first time, quite by accident, from his stomach to his back, he realized he didn't have to stay trapped in horrible tummy time. He made it his mission to roll over on his own schedule. It took a couple of days and lots of trying and voila, success! Of course once he could do it, he didn't mind being on his stomach so much. In fact, he discovered that while on his stomach, a few combination of limb flails could result in propulsion across the floor. So he crawled (commando for a while).  Walking was the same way. He tried and failed and tried and failed and tried and failed and eventually he could do it.  The smile on his face was priceless.

For Nathan the thrill is in initial accomplishment. He will continue to do something he's mastered when/if it suits his purpose, but it doesn't matter as much.  He can easily feed himself with a fork or spoon and even spread peanut butter on bread with a knife or cut a banana.Can do it. But he is also lazy. Meals are often accompanied by the phrase 'mommy do it' because he wants me to feed him, even if its just a sandwich, he wants me to pick it up and hold it to his mouth. Um, no.

Nathan all but potty trained himself. He decided he wanted to do it. We read tons of books and watched every movie on the subject. It was talked about lots. One day he asked to pee in the toilet and that was it. Yeah, he had accidents, but he kept trying. Then we had a childcare change (temporary) then the holidays and it was too much bother to try anymore. I don't get mad if they have an accident or shame them etc, I just change them and ask if they want to use the potty/toilet. So he got lazy and just let it go. In come the stickers (see details in a previous post).

So while his primary motivation is accomplishment, he is like most people and also appreciates external rewards. In this case, stickers and presents. He's back at being a potty pro now and no longer even asks for a sticker after he goes. It was just that little extra motivation at a time when things were going haywire.

He really does love praise and I give it freely. I try to praise the effort or his actions. I really work hard to avoid saying 'good boy' when he succeeds. It leaves the feeling of 'bad boy' if he fails, even when trying really hard. Still, even without praise, he loves to do things.

I don't want to raise kids who will only do something to get something. I want to raise a kids who will appreciate the external rewards but who's main driver is a sense of pride, of self accomplishment. Overall, Nathan fits this, even if he is lazy at times. If he continues like this, he will be the kid who will do his homework without prompting just to get it done. He will help out around the home because it needs to be done, not because he'll get paid to do it. He'll do his best at everything he starts and see it through to the end. Yeah, he'll slip now and again, but he's only human. I will still offer rewards (bribes) for things that are less appealing but I can only hope those times are few and far between.


Soon I'll give a post about what motivates Corwyn. It's very different, they are very different.

 They almost never get computer time, not because I'm against it, but because I cant afford to buy the new computer I'd need when they broke my current one. This video was taken when Corwyn was out playing with the caregiver and Nathan was home sick with me. This is the first time he's actually gotten to hold the mouse and work the computer himself. I'd say he's a natural. Watch his level of concentration, and the expressions on his face as he works things out.

What motivates you?

I'm going to be doing a post on motivation and my take on it soon. But I want some input from others to add to it. Everyone is different and I'm not looking to judge, just find out what works for different people.

What motivates you personally? Why do you get out of bed in the morning? Why do you go to work (not just for the money, but the specific work you go to). What would make you try something new? How do you stick to resolutions/goals?

For your kids, what motivates them? Are they self motivated or do you offer outside motivation?  Are each of your kids motivated differently? Do you force your will onto your kids or give into their every want? To you bribe or reward?  Do you feel that how your parents motivated you as a kid influenced how well or poor you are at follow through of your own goals?

Do you ever say 'Johnny is eating his dinner, you should eat yours.'  or 'everyone else is playing nicely, why can't you?' How do you compare that to 'if every other kid jumped off a bridge would you?'.

I've been doing a ton of reading lately on child rearing methods. Some make sense to me, some seem so WTF, but clearly they work for some people and families. I know where I'm leaning, and it's what feels right to me, for us. It's still a struggle though.

Please chime in on the comments with your thoughts, info and any book recommendations. I've probably read or have in my read pile many of them, but I'll take more.